The Horror Show
7 Witches
by Brady Hall
When you start up a movie called 7 Witches you would obviously expect to see some sort of witchcraft or trickery, right? I've seen what one witch can do and this film offered me up seven! I got excited! I love witches! I was hoping for some spells and incantations, maybe somebody would get turned into a newt. Maybe they would render down the fat of an unbaptized baby to make flying potion. It was a thing, Google it. Unfortunately, I got none of that. This movie was lacking heavily on the witch element.
There will be spoilers ahead. I usually try to write spoiler free, but no one needs to see this movie and I really don't want to be held responsible if you do watch it. It was that bad.
The film opens on a war between witches and witch hunters. Lots of random gunshots and people are killed. I have no idea why, they never explain it. Suddenly, we're in the present and we're meeting the most dysfunctional family in the world. They have all gathered to watch the youngest daughter get married to Witch Daughter. I'm going to be honest with you, faithful readers, I can't remember any of the character's names besides Aunt Paula but we'll get to her. In Lesbian Daughter's family you have Angry Daughter and her “boyfriend” I called Milquetoast, Racist Grandpa, Alcoholic Dad, 12 Step Step-Mom, and Aunt Paula. Aunt Paula is the best. She's a pot smoking ass kicker. This is the only character that is worth anything. I loved her. She was a great character.
They're all traveling to meet up with the obvious family of witches on a secluded island. I'm not talking palm trees and sand, more like Washington state rocky beaches. When they get there, they are greeted by a family that might be the last of a family of witch killers. There's two of them. They have a gun on a mantle place and pictures of some people you see at the beginning. We still don't get any backstory on them. When everybody arrives they finally get to meet Witch Daughter's family, Father Witch, Mother Witch, Nana Witch, PopPop Witch, and Brother Witch. Trust me. They look like witches. They also look Amish, but this isn't called 7 Amish. The night before the ceremony, Lesbian Daughter and Witch Sister have a weird three-way with Milquetoast. I'm not sure what this accomplished. It had no bearing on the story because the next day before the wedding, Brother Witch kills him.
On the way to the ceremony, Aunt Paula is feeling ill, so Angry Daughter and her stay back to smoke a bowl. Atta girl, Aunt Paula!
It's a good thing they did, because the freak witch family drowns the dysfunctional family during the wedding. Angry and Paula see this and they run to the witch hunter's house to find them dead. They see Brother Witch coming so they devise a plan and end up killing him with the gun. Now Paula and Angry are even more, well, angry. They go to seek revenge but Aunt Paula can't make it so she gives Angry the gun and sends her off to take out vengeance and she slits her wrist to outwit the witches.
The final showdown between Angry and the witches ends with her killing them until it's her and Witch Daughter left. There is a struggle and then a stare down. Gunshot. Black. The End.
I have never felt so cheated in my life!
7 Witches was the biggest waste of time. The acting was stilted and very amateur at best. The visuals were gray and they kept doing this thing where they would show overhead shots of food being prepared. It was like those Facebook videos of recipes but if they were meant to frighten you instead of make you hungry.
The sound design was weird too. It was like they were doing that trick where movies will play a lower frequency tone to make you feel uneasy but they couldn't find the right one. At one time it they went the other way and it was a higher pitch tone that made my head hurt. I almost had to mute it.
I can't recommend this movie at all. I wouldn't suggest it to anyone. I would much rather watch the Roald Dahl classic Witches instead.
Robin Thompson, HMS
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