The Horror Show
Confessional
by Brad T. Gottfred
Truth and consequences. That is the point of Confessional. It is repeated over and over. Well, the truth is this was a terrible movie. And the consequences are this review and the 84 minutes that I will never get back.
The quick rundown — because it's such a shallow story I'll lose my mind if I have to go into detail — is two popular college students, Amelia and Zach, die. Amelia is a film student and Zach is a superstar swimmer. Amelia has a project to film people's confessions. She interviews every other person in the movie. After the deaths, they get texts to meet at this building and tell the truth about Amelia & Zach's deaths or face the consequences. That's the whole premise.
This movie started out bad. It gives to the old “this is a mysterious movie found at the college made by unknown people” slate. I groaned out loud. I thought that would be as bad as it could get, but then the confessions started. I'm going to be honest, I have seen better monologues at high school one-act competitions. They were either too over the top or just so stiff that it was almost comical. The writing was so pedestrian and super predictable. I started to guess the twist before I even knew there was one, that's how transparent this film is. The worst part of the movie were the inserts from the “narrator” in between the guilty people's monologues. Stupid meta comments would pop up on a black screen. I rolled my eyes so much I got a cramp.
I don't have too much to say about the scary element because it wasn't scary. It was less a horror movie and more a bad CW teen melodrama with a slight horror theme. You want to know what was the scariest part? The confessional. It looked like it was built in someone's garage with some leftover plywood. Rickety as all get out! I was scared it was going to collapse or maybe I was hoping it would just so I wouldn't be so bored of these wordy, bland, typical “college kids” yapping.
I am a little saddened that this was a Shudder exclusive. The last Shudder exclusive movie I reviewed, Scare Package, is one of my favorite movies now. I've watched it like ten times. Confessional is definitely a one and done for me and that's the truth.
Robin Thompson, HMS
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