The Horror Show
Old 37
by Alan Smithee
Old 37 is the definition of wasted opportunity. The premise behind the movie isn't bad and the antagonists are two of the most beloved horror icons. What could possibly go wrong? Well, a lot, actually.
Let's start with a little synopsis, shall we? Old 37 is the story of two very disturbed brothers played by a powerhouse duo of Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley. We are first introduced to their abusive psychopath of a father who likes to pretend to be a paramedic. He listens for car crashes on his scanner, hops in his ambulance, “Old 37”, and arrives before the real EMTs can show up. His victims are easy pickings. They're already injured and can't run. He takes the boys along and eventually they take up their father's hobby in the present day. Doesn't that sound awesome? Jason and Otis tooling around in a beat up ambulance, killing teenagers and causing chaos. Only that's not what we get.
We only see the brothers as adults once in the beginning and then thirty five minutes later we see them again. This is when the movie is enjoyable. This is magic. I would watch Hodder and Moseley play off each other all the time. Even the backstory told in flashbacks are great, it explains their relationship perfectly. I wanted more of them and less of the in between stuff.
It's this in between stuff that is bad. A bunch of entitled, whiny, annoying teens with the usual teen problems and the usual teen stereotypes. The boob job obsessed, flat chested outcast whose best friend is hanging with the popular kids now and has no time for her. The jock looking bro-dude who has a sensitive side but is dating the Bitch. Oh! Don't get me started on her. She thinks she's Rose McGowan straight out of Jawbreaker. Then we have what I like to call “the rest,” those side characters that are just there for splatter fodder.
The writers must have thought that the brothers should have a reason to kill these vapid teens so they tacked on an I Know What You Did Last Summer plot line where jock boy, bitch girl, and “the rest” run over Mosley and Hodder's mother, the only person they love and that loves them back. Moseley mistakes outcast girl for bitch girl and wackiness ensues.
I can see why Christian Winters chose to remove his name from this movie and slap the good old Alan Smithee moniker on it. This movie is a mess. It focuses more on the boring, teen movie aspect than the potential horror blockbuster it could have been. We want to see our horror icons together, that's why everyone is so excited about Death House.
I think the lesson here is this, please don't squander talent when you have it. It makes the fans sad and it just never works out in the end.
Robin Thompson, HMS
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