The Horror Show
The Perfect Host:
A Southern Gothic Tale
by Derrick Sims
I was born and raised in a very small town in North East Georgia. I am proud to be southern. I love almost everything about living here. The food is amazing, the people are some of the nicest people on the planet, and the weather is great as long as you don't show up in the summer. It's a heat unlike any other. However, my favorite part about being from the South are the stories we tell. We'll spin a yarn a million miles long. We'll talk till we're blue in the face! Honey, we will bend your ear till Jesus comes back! We set up our stories to be epic tales even if we're just telling you what happened down at the Piggly Wiggly. Unfortunately, this supposed “Southern Gothic Tale” isn't any of those things. It's barely Southern, it's far from Gothic, and it's not cohesive enough to be a tale. It was very annoying, boring, and bad.
Julie has returned to her small home town with her daughter, Ellie. They're here to bury Julie's Mamaw, Alma. Apparently, Julie isn't well liked by her sister. I don't know why, it's never addressed. She just kicks out Julie and Ellie. Lucky for Julie, she runs into her Mamaw's bestie, Frances. Frances lives in this big house with only her really creepy husband. They offer Julie and Ellie a place to stay. Frances is weird. Husband is creepy. Ellie is a terrible kid actor. Julie is as dull as they come. Frances becomes too attached to Ellie and tries to put her dead daughter's soul into Ellie. I think… Julie pushes Husband down the stairs. She saves Ellie and they leave the town.
I know that description is terrible. I am so sorry, but that is how it was laid out. There was a part about an ex-boyfriend, but it wasn't important. Julie says she had to leave the town, but she never says why. I'm also confused what year this takes place. Nobody has a cell phone so I'm guessing late 80's? Maybe? I'm still unclear why all this was happening.
Nobody finished anything! Why was a question just left unanswered? Why was Frances making weird stick things for protection if she was going to take Ellie? Why was the sister so mad at Julie? Why was the Husband a gigantic creep? Why didn't anyone in this “Southern Gothic Tale” have a southern accent?! Well the ex-beau had one, but it was kind of forced. Like he had one once, but trained it out of himself and now he's forcing an accent.
I have seen my share of terrible movies and this one is now on that list. It was a choppy, jumbled mess of a story. The acting was terrible, the sets were bland, nothing good came out of this film. I'm kind of embarrassed that it has “Southern” in the title. Do yourself a favor and ignore this movie. If you're curious in real southern storytelling, might I suggest the books by Robert R McCammon. Boy's Life is one of my favorites.
Robin Thompson, HMS
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